Why Ask Why? Why questions and Motivational Interviewing

When I talk about the evoking process of MI, which is essentially about helping a client connect in with their WHY CHANGE, sometimes a training participant raises their hand and says, “But in graduate school, I learned not to ask why questions.” 

There appear to be two camps on this issue: 
-You shouldn’t ask why questions! &…
–Why questions are fine to ask!

I had some great email dialogue with Tom Kelly, as well as a great discussion with the Foundations of MI online training participants recently about this question! They helped me solidify my thoughts around how to get at the why it’s OK to ask why, and how we do this in a helpful way!

Let’s explore the no camp first!

No! Don’t ask WHY!

Why might this be (OK, I’m not the only one chuckling here, right? Why not ask why?) 

Many people frown on the “why” question. Some even suggest eliminating it from your vocabulary! Asking someone “why” can increase their defensiveness and relay judgment. Think about it, “Why did you say that?” “Why did you do that?” Why can elicit defensiveness, as people suddenly feel a need to explain themselves, defend a stance or choice, or back it up with their values and beliefs. And one thing we do know- the more people defend a stance, the more committed they become to it. So, if we are asking “why” about something that wasn’t a great choice, then we are accidentally strengthening their resolve in making that choice. 

Yes: Why questions are fine to ask!

Why change is one of the tenets of Motivational Interviewing. What is motivating this person to change at this time? It’s essential to understand this, because MI is not about imparting our motivations for people onto them, it’s about understanding their why!

First off, I have to come back to the importance of the spirit of Motivational Interviewing. Is your relationship with your client firmly embedded in the spirit of MI? 

Practing the spirit of MI means demonstrating accurate empathy, curiosity, positive regard, acceptance, and being collaborative with your clients.  I think we can ask why questions when they are asked in the context of a relationship where there is safety, respect, curiosity, and empathy. 

It’s also about how we ask the why questions. When I ask my kid, “Why did you do that?” it absolutely puts them on the defensive. Why can sound blamey, when really what we are trying to get across is curiosity. When we ask, “What led you to make that choice?” or “What makes you say that?” it sounds better than “Why did you say that?”

So, we are still getting at their why change, but in a way that doesn’t put their brains on the defensive. 

I also think WHAT we are asking about is key here. “Why aren’t you changing?”  & “Why are you struggling with this?” tends to elicit stuckness from clients, whereas “Why is this so important to you?” & “Why is this more of a priority than other things right now?” elicit motivation toward change.

Consider what you are seeking when you ask why. If you are wondering why a client made a choice they may have guilt or shame about, it’s not so helpful & it will likely put them on the defensive. If we ask about what motivates them to change or do things differently, we are eliciting motivation toward a new behavior. 

Motivational Interviewing Tip of the Week: Essentially y’all, don’t ask why if you aren’t deeply embedded in the spirit of Motivational Interviewing with your client. Make sure you have created an environment in the relationship where there isn’t judgment, but rather curiosity. Then, you can be curious about the why together!

Watch my full video here!