Applying skills of Motivational Interviewing in Conversations with Friends and Family

Last week, I wrote about applying the spirit and OARS skills to a conversation with my daughter around piercing her own belly button (OUCH!). 

I can’t tell you HOW many times training participants have asked me, “Do you teach this stuff to the layperson, because my ____aunt/ sister/fill-in-the-blank____ could really use it with their_____son/ daughter/sister/fill-in-the-blank_____.” 

When you are learning MI, you quickly see how elements of it can be helpful and applicable in MANY situations!

Training participants also reflect on practicing elements of MI with their friends and family members. 

I remember one participant sharing with me how she was practicing reflective listening with a friend of hers. She let her Righting Reflex take over and suggested what her friend should do. In response, she watched her friend cross her arms and step back. She got immediate nonverbal feedback that active listening was the more helpful thing to be using at that moment! She went back to reflective listening, and her friend uncrossed her arms and stepped forward to continue sharing.

It’s been on my ‘To-Do’ list for a couple of years to create a course on MI as it applies to family relationships (yes, I have spent a LONG time in the contemplation stage of change with this one!). 

THEN I met a fellow Motivational Interviewing Network of Trainers (MINT) member who already has one! 

Jennifer Ollis Blomqvist created an online course for parents of teens, and then turned it into a great short book called Lighthouse Conversations. 

I met up with her via Zoom last week (I WISH it was in person! Time for a visit to Sweeden!), and we had a fantastic conversation. 

We talked about elements of MI that are SUPER helpful in relationships with friends and family members. Let’s break it down!

1. 1. Striving to stay in the spirit of Motivational interviewing in all relationships is a really helpful thing to do! This means striving to be curious and compassionate over judgemental; empathetic over dismissive; collaborative rather than dominating; accepting where they are rather than pushing them, tugging them, or telling them they should be doing something else.
   2. Row it. The OARS skills (Open-ended questions, Affirmations, Reflections, and Summaries) are awesome communication skills! Using reflective listening, the most common of the OARS skills, is super helpful when we are talking with a friend or family member, and affirmations FEEL good!
   3. Listening for their change talk around things they want to change, and reflecting it back to them is one way to help people ‘talk themselves’ into change. We can also get really curious about their motivations for change, asking evocative questions and reflecting and summarizing their change talk.

Now here is what we want to stay away from: We NEVER want to use MI to manipulate people to do what we want them to do. 

We utilize MI when we can explore what the other person wants to do, and support them in resolving their ambivalence to change. 

Some MINT members assert that we can’t use MI with people when we have a vested interest in the outcome. And I sure have a vested interest in the outcome of a LOT of the conversations I have with my kids and other family members!

Be cautious about this one- people know when you have an ‘angle’ and are being manipulative. And again, there are ELEMENTS of Motivational Interviewing I believe that we can apply to many conversations!

Check out Jennifer’s book and course if you have teens or know people who do! It’s a great, easy read resource for applying elements of Motivational Interviewing with teens. 

Motivational Interviewing Tip of the Week: Consider what elements of MI you can bring into your relationships. Could MI spirit elements be helpful? Compassion, empathy, acceptance, or others? Or, practice reflective listening with friends and family members! This can have two benefits- you get MI practice AND you’ll get to see the impact on the relationship in the moment. 

Or you might get what one training participant told me as she was practicing reflective listening with her teenage son in the car, “MOM! What are you DOING? Why aren’t you fussing at me and telling me what to do like you always do?!” 🙂

Watch my full video here!