Is giving advice a form of control?
I heard a comment recently that advice is a form of control.
I had never thought about it like that!
When I give advice, what is my intention behind it?
I typically think about the intention behind my advice-giving as positive- I’m trying to help! It’s so hard to listen to a client share a dilemma when I have ideas and solutions for them!
But is my attempt to advise actually a response to my own worry for them and a need to control the outcome? Good thing for me to pause and think about!
There is advice, and there is unsolicited advice. I can see how either could come across as a form of control!
When I think about unsolicited advice, it makes me think about the Bern Williams quote, “Unsolicited advice is the junk mail of life.”
I really respond to that metaphor, because when I think about my physical and emotional reaction to junk mail, it’s yucky.
“I don’t want this! I didn’t ask for this! It doesn’t fit what I want or need right now!” Yuck!
So then I wonder how it feels for clients when my fixing reflex kicks in and I start giving unsolicited advice. Sometimes, I see a client visibly draw back or glaze over when my good intentions via advice-giving take over.
As Motivational Interviewers, our job is to listen deeply, stay curious a little bit longer about what this person already knows, what they’ve already tried, & what ideas they have that they have about change. Usually, by the time I spend some time evoking these things, there’s no need for my advice or input.
A final note: If a client asks for my advice, I take a pause to make sure I have done a good job of really understanding the client’s dilemma first, so that any advice I give may fit what they need. And after I share my thoughts, I check back in with them. “What do you think about what I shared? How might this work or not work for you?”
MI Tip of the Week: If I find myself having the urge to give someone advice, I can invite myself to check in about my intentions. Am I jumping in too quickly to fix or advise? Instead, stay curious a bit longer. Evoke from your client what they already know, what they’ve already tried, & what ideas they have that they have about change. Maybe after I’ve listened more there won’t be a need for me to advise!
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Hi, I’m Hillary Bolter. At MI Center for Change, Motivational Interviewing is our passion. Motivational Interviewing will help you become more effective and efficient as you support clients’ change!
