Fix It or Feel It? The Fixing Reflex and Motivational Interviewing

A recent training participant shared a question she and her husband use when they are seeking support from one another about a topic. 

“Do you want me to help you fix it, or feel it?” they ask one another.

Essentially, “Are you asking for my support by helping fix this dilemma, or are you seeking my support as a good listener?”

They are different things, aren’t they?!

When we use Motivational Interviewing, we switch out of “fix-it” mode and into a deeper listening, where we elicit and support them in solving their dilemma. 

Motivational Interviewing uses the term ‘Fixing Reflex’ when we respond to client dilemmas by

• making suggestions,
• telling them what to do, and
• warning of the consequences of not changing. 

It comes from a good place (our desire to help!), but often unintentionally reduces their likelihood of change. 

I am a Fixing Reflex superhero.

It is SUCH a strong reflex for me. And when I’m tired, antsy for others to change, or feeling particularly clever and righteous about my ideas, I can become a Fixing Reflex Machine. Suddenly, I’m spouting out ideas & solutions for other people, telling them why they should change and how to go about it.

Bing bang! Done! 

Except it doesn’t usually work.

And it can be disempowering to them, and cause disengagement. Plus, it could set up a “fix me” / “I’ll fix you!” dynamic, which just ain’t the goal when we are supporting people in change! We want to empower!

I will share a memory from high school. I was hanging out with my boyfriend, and I was upset about something (who knows what!). I was crying, and he was absolutely confused. He hugged me, and, with some desperation in his voice said, “What am I supposed to DO?!”

In the face of another’s struggles, we just want to DO something!

“Just hold me!” I cried. Because that’s what I needed.

I needed someone to hold space for my big feelings while I figured it out!

And that, my friend, is often what is needed before we can even consider problem-solving.

Our first task in Motivational Interviewing is to hold space for another. We are metaphorically holding them, like my sweet high school boyfriend did, while they feel their feelings, explore their dilemma, and gain more readiness to problem-solve and move toward change. 

Do you help your clients Fix It or Feel It? 

Michelle (training participant) shared this ‘Fix it or Feel it’ question was inspired by the It’s Not About the Nail video on YouTube. You can check it out here!

Motivational Interviewing tip of the week: When you feel your Fixing Reflex spring to life, I invite you to sit back, hold space for your client, and get curious with them about their dilemma. Motivational Interviewing teaches us to be curious, listen deeply and collaborate with our clients. “I can help you fix this problem for yourself” is the message!

MI Tip of the Week is now moving to twice monthly! Less emails, same awesome messages!

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Watch my full video here!