Reading Time: 3 minutes

A kid, scissors, and a VERY short haircut

Story Time!!

I’m going to tell you a story about my feisty younger daughter. When she was 4 or 5 years old, I was in the kitchen doing dishes and she was playing by herself in the other room. She had been quiet for a while, and you know when a little kid has been quiet for a long time, they are probably into something. So, I went to check on her. 

She was playing in her little princess tent, so I popped down to see what she was up to in there.

Immediately, she threw her body over something to hide it.

I began to take in what I saw: hair laying all around where she was sitting, and the corner of a pair of scissors sticking out on the ground.

I gasped and stood up to collect my thoughts. 

Thankfully, I was a recent participant in a Love and Logic parenting course, and had just learned the importance of not owning our children’s problems. The phrase, “Who’s Problem Is It?” came to mind.

Yes, I was shocked and upset, but I reminded myself not to make this about me.

I wanted to gently and lovingly help her learn from this experience. I put on my poker face (which is an empathetic poker face- I’d fail at actual poker!), and knelt down. 

“Well sweetheart, it  looks like you’ve been doing some cutting! Do you want to come out and talk about it?”

As she crawled out of the tent, I worked hard to keep up my intentions to be empathetic, and not own the problem. She had literally cut her hair down to the scalp over at least half of her head. (It looked pretty bad folks).

I sat with her for a few minutes, exploring this dilemma. Finally, I said, “Well honey, would you like to look in the mirror and see your new haircut?”

She was ready, and so I took her into the bathroom and held her up to the mirror. I kept my face loving and empathetic as I watched her face register what she saw. Then, I watched a crocodile tear start down her cheek, and asked what was thinking. 

“But I wanted to look like Rapunzel!” she cried. 

I reflected her grief and upset over her decision, and sat with her. I wanted her to own her problem. I didn’t take away this learning experience by making it about me. 

As soon as we are reacting, as parents or as helping professionals, we make what’s going on with our client or our child about us instead of about them. We want them to learn from their experience, in an empathetic and supportive relationship, so they can own the problem. 

If they own the problem, they are more likely to own the solution. 

She has not cut her hair again since. (This pic is post buzz cut, grown out a bit!)

It can be very hard for us, as helping professionals, to hold space and be witness to the painful & hard decisions our clients make. We cannot fix it for them, we cannot get them to ‘get it’ by having a big reaction. And when we have big reactions, or take over owning the problem, we make it more about us than them.

Motivational Interviewing Tip of the Week: In what areas do you find yourself jumping in to own a client’s problem? Where might your own reactions of what is going on with a client detract from their experience of wrestling with change? Consider instead how you could embody the spirit of Motivational Interviewing with those you serve, through empathy & partnership, to gently explore their dilemma and seek to support them toward solutions. Remember, Who’s Problem Is It?

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXO3IWA5Dc0