“I’ve become a Righting Reflex machine!” a recent training participant said recently.
We are responding from our Righting Reflex when we respond by trying to fix problems in our clients lives. It comes from a good place (our desire to help!), but often unintentionally reduces their likelihood of change.
I am like a Righting Reflex superhero. It is SUCH a strong reflex for me. And when I’m tired, antsy for the other to change, or feeling particularly clever and righteous about my ideas, I too can become a Righting Reflex Machine. Suddenly I’m spouting out ideas & solutions for other people, telling them why they should change and how to go about it. Bing bang! Done!
Except it doesn’t usually work.
I have a memory from high school. I was hanging out with my boyfriend, and I was upset about something (who knows what!). I was crying, and he was absolutely confounded. He hugged me, and,with some desperation in his voice said, “What am I supposed to DO?!”
In the face of another’s struggles, we just want to DO something!
“Just hold me!” I cried. Because that’s what I needed.
And that, my friend, is often what is needed before we can even consider problem-solving. Our first task is to hold space for another. We are metaphorically holding them, like my sweet high school boyfriend did, while they feel their feelings, explore their dilemma, and gain more readiness to problem-solve and move toward change.
Plus, fixing a problem for someone else can be disempowering, and sets up a “fix me” / “I’ll fix you!” dynamic, which just ain’t the goal when we are supporting people in change.
Motivational Interviewing Tip: When you feel your Righting Reflex spring to life, I invite you to sit back, hold space for them, and get curious with your client about their dilemma.
