7 Tips for Loving Someone who Struggles with Substance Misuse
When you love someone who struggles with substance misuse, you often need a lot of support to stay sane and in your lane.
That’s where Motivational Interviewing comes in.
A MI trainer buddy of mine Kate Watson has a popular podcast and wrote a book called Only Trying to Help. I love her title, because it speaks to the good intentions behind what we say and do to try to support loved ones who are struggling, and suggests our efforts aren’t always the most helpful.
In her recent podcast episode, I get personal about my own learnings of loving someone struggling with substance misuse.
Click here to listen to Episode 82: Drugs, Dos, and Don’ts
I have some tips for you based on my experiences with Motivational Interviewing AND experience of loving someone who abused substances!
7 Tips for Loving Someone Struggling with Substance Misuse
1. Stop waiting for change. Let the change begin with YOU. If you are waiting for someone to change, you have given away your power. (And if you are in an unsafe situation, talk to someone about how to get safe!). Get support. Increase your self-care. Perhaps find some professional help (therapy), evidence-based resources, spiritual help, a support group like Alanon, or whatever is best suited to YOU! You don’t have to wait for them to change- start changing you!
2. Stop arguing. Trying to change another by arguing with logic usually gets you absolutely nowhere (besides being more furious!) Stop criticizing, persuading, and arguing with logic. Your logic brain (and theirs!) are not likely to be fully on board if you are upset (plus, if they are actively using, their brain is definitely not fully on board either!).
3. Make a request. Not being clear is a trap I fall into over and over again. Rather than criticize their behaviors, hint at what I want or need, or act passive-aggressively, consider what you want to ask. It may help to begin your sentence with, “My request is…”
4. Set Boundaries. People struggling with substance misuse tend to struggle with boundaries. That doesn’t mean you have to! Consider where you need to draw the line, and set it. Think about your plan for if/when the boundary is crossed.
5. Don’t Keep Going to the Hardware Store for a Loaf of Bread. Would you go to the hardware store to buy bread? Nope! You would go to the grocery store! Are you seeking something from your loved one that just isn’t available right now? Are you setting expectations that cannot be met by the other? That’s a recipe for resentment for sure. Consider how you can reset expectations of your loved one to better match what they are able to do right now, and get your needs met elsewhere.
6. Accept and Grieve. Accepting that your loved one isn’t able to be who they once were or who you want or need them to be is painful. Our brains often keep us caught in the trap of “I can’t accept this!” which keeps us hooked on trying to change the other person. What if, just for today, you practice acceptance of the situation and allow your sadness and grief to be present? Loving someone misusing substances is HARD. (Note #4, sometimes acceptance means drawing a boundary and getting space, but it doesn’t mean accepting and staying in an unsafe or unreasonable situation).
7. Shift the focus to YOU. Yes, I’m saying it again. Yes, your brain is telling you to try to fix the other person so you can feel OK again, but your serenity is in your hands. I LOVE the acronym MEDS- Mindfulness, Exercise, Diet, and Sleep. Focus on your own MEDS. Get support. Reach out. (See #1). Do your MEDS 🙂 This stuff is hard.
If you haven’t noticed yet, the elements of the spirit of Motivational Interviewing are all up in these tips- acceptance and compassion!
I have one more resource to share!
Years ago, when I was an outpatient substance abuse therapist, a psychiatrist I worked suggested I read the book Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.
It seemed to be such a great combination of some of what Motivational Interviewing gives us along with some good old-fashioned “take care of YOU” advice. The Center for Motivation and Change has a bunch of free resources on this as well, you can check it out here!
Motivational Interviewing Tip of the Week: Consider the ways the Motivational Interviewing spirit elements of Acceptance and Compassion can be applied to yourself right now. Take a breath. What do you need right now for serenity? What supports and practices can help you detach with love from your loved one?
Watch my full “7 tips” video here!
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Hi, I’m Hillary Bolter. At MI Center for Change, Motivational Interviewing is our passion. Motivational Interviewing will help you become more effective and efficient as you support clients’ change!
