You are either spending WAY more time alone than you are accustomed to, or WAY more time squished with people in your household than you ever have before. If you are the latter, this email is for you. (And if you are the former, read on for a refresh on the power of reflective listening!)
Things are getting cranky up in here. We are going on week SIX of 24/7 Stay Home orders.
And I am acutely aware that my responses to the people I live with either help or hurt the situation.
Which reminds me, the tool of reflective listening from Motivational Interviewing goes a LONG way. Consider the difference between responding and reflecting. When we respond, we may be operating out of our Righting Reflex (you know, that familiar reflex to correct, tell, inform, or convince). We may be arguing our side, asserting a need, or giving a direction when we respond.
I hear myself bark responses to my kids all day. “Mom, can I watch TV?” “You’ve had plenty of TV already today, do something more productive!” “Mom, get my sister OUT of my room!” “Take care of it yourself! But don’t you dare hit her!”I can hear the responses coming out of my mouth, and I instantly receive feedback from my kids. A glare. A closing down. A set stern face. Adversarial. Disconnection. These responses sure don’t help anybody.
But if I can slow it down for a half second, take a breath, and practice a reflection, everything shifts.
“You really want more TV, and it’s hard to come up with something better to do on your own right now.”
“You and your sister are struggling with getting along right now, and you’d like some help.”
Try it. Take a half a second, take a breath, and practice a reflection.
“Mom, you wouldn’t understand, you aren’t a kid.” I want to say, I was a kid once honey, try me. But I take a half second, a breath, and reflect, “You are feeling lonely & like I don’t get you.” She’s ready for a hug.
“Mom, I can’t believe I won’t get to be in the black light show at school. I have been waiting for this since I started kindergarten.” I want to say, Yeah, a lot of people are losing a lot right now. But I take half a second, a breath, and reflect, “Your heart hurts from the disappointment of not getting to be in the play you’ve been waiting years for.” She wants to share more. Connection.
Remember, you can always offer a simple reflection (a restatement of what they just said). When we use Motivational Interviewing skills, we strive to offer complex reflections most of the time. Practice reflecting deeper if you can! Complex reflections add meaning or emphasis to what has been said. Listen and reflect the underlying feeling (“You feel…”). The underlying value you hear (“It’s important to you…”) Underlying meaning (“You wish…”). Join my email community for a free handout on complex reflections if you’d like more ideas for practice!
“I need time to myself, these kids are driving me nuts and I can’t keep up with all of the emails from the teachers,” says my hubby. My first instinct is to respond with, Yeah honey, I’m busy as heck with work and can’t figure out how to find balance either. Wanna watch some Tiger King? But I pause, breathe, reflect, “You are yearning for time to seek the balance you crave.” And we have connection, Houston.
Have fun playing around with reflections this week! Let me know how the experiment goes!
