Motivational Interviewing, empathy, and lock down!
So this week was a particularly hard parenting week for us. We are officially 10 weeks into 24/7 nuclear family contact. And as much as there are some really, really beautiful things that have happened with so much time together, this week was just plain old hard. So much so, that we reached out to our favorite Love & Logic parent coach for some extra support. Gotta get me some Love & Logic!
It wasn’t 5 minutes into our parent coach Zoom meeting, when she reminded us that the very first step in ANY kid interaction is to “Lock In Empathy.” (You’d think as an Motivational Interviewing lady that I’d remember this. I only wrote about it last week. And, I find these tools are the hardest to use the closer people are to us. It’s just straight up hard to drop the reflex we have to tell, fix, persuade).
Lock in empathy.
Consider what feelings that little human in front of me might be feeling, and reflect that back to them with some love. “Sweetie, you feel like you haven’t had enough screen time today and you want more right now!” “Sweet girl, you really, really, really wanted your sister’s slime so much you forgot we don’t hurt each other.” Intense little bodies soften, and they are able to engage and listen. It’s magic.
The parent coach reminded us that when a kid feels our empathy, their little brains can shift out of intensity and irrationality back into the “whole brain.” (“Whole brain” is a Dan Siegel term that refers to when we can engage our prefrontal cortex and have a rational conversation. Let me tell you, there were NOT a lot of rational conversations in our house last week).
It occurred to me this is one of the things that is happening when we are using empathy with clients. The brain senses that someone is trying to understand and meet them, and it creates a felt sense of safety in the relationship. The brain is soothed. Without that, we can’t expect that their brain is going to allow us to go deeper into a topic. The brain has to sense safety to share vulnerability. And you can bet vulnerability comes up when folks are exploring change.
Lock in empathy.Let’s keep playing with empathy this week. When you interact with folks, whether a colleague, friend, or family member, hone in your empathy radar, listen deeply, and reflect. Drop your agenda in the conversation, and reflect. Let me know how it goes!!
