Caution: Do Not Try This At Home!
I have heard this phrase often: “I used MI on so-and-so and…”
(First of all, we don’t use MI “on” anyone. We use MI with others. MI is a collaborative conversation style, not a method of manipulation).
Motivational Interviewing has components of the Spirit of MI, OARS skills, & eliciting and reinforcing Change Talk. “Doing” MI means acting from the Spirit and utilizing OARS to consistently reflect, reinforce and elicit Change talk in a particular direction to help someone resolve their ambivalence. That’s not just everyday conversation.
To truly practice Motivational Interviewing, we cannot have a personal vested interest in the outcome.
If we are personally invested in the outcome, it’s really hard to maintain the neutrality needed to do MI well.
But wait! There are elements of MI we CAN use with friends and family!
- Withholding the Righting Reflex is helpful across relationships. People don’t usually want to be persuaded to do something, told what to do, or how to do it. If we stay out of Righting Reflex behaviors (persuasion, fixing, telling), it is likely to open up more genuineness and connectedness in interpersonal relationships. We are less likely to trigger psychological reactance, where people become more defensive of NOT changing.
- The mindset/heartset of MI (“MI Spirit”) is so helpful in relationships. This means approaching others by believing in them, knowing they have innate wisdom and strengths. This mindset means honoring another’s autonomy, inherent value, and choice. If we practice deep listening, empathy, acceptance, positive regard, and curiosity, again, we are likely to grow stronger and more connected interpersonal relationships. We can practice the spirit of MI in every relationship. Bill Miller has called MI a “way of being,” and this is what he is referring to. The more I live and practice MI, the more I bring this spirit into interpersonal relationships. (And it’s HARD to do!!)
- The OARS skills can open up the door to more collaborative conversations. OARS skills aren’t unique to MI; asking open-ended questions, providing affirmations, reflective listening, and summarizing can be utilized by anyone just about any time. They are great skills! So yes, we can utilize OARS with friends and family.
But we aren’t strategically favoring a direction of change with friends and family members, at least, not without their explicit request or consent. That would be manipulative. And MI is not manipulative.
MI is not used to get other people to do what we want them to do. And when I’m talking with my daughter, partner, business contact, or friend, it’s really hard to set aside the outcomes I want to have a truly genuine, curious conversation to support their decision. So no, I don’t use [the full Monty of] Motivational Interviewing at home.
I do practice the spirit, withholding my righting reflect, and many of the OARS skills with friends and family, because it helps deepen and strengthen those relationships.
Recently Steven Rollnick wrote, “MI is helping people make decisions about the way ahead of them, whatever the challenges.” If you can support the way ahead for THEM, (not the way ahead YOU want), maybe you can use MI with friends and family.
Lighthouse Conversations is a lovely book written by MINT member Jennifer Ollis Blomqvist for parents of teens, where she explores this topic more and gives practical strategies for integrating elements of MI into parenting.
(She also has an online course for parents of teens, check it out here!)
Motivational Interviewing Tip of the Week: When you find yourself wanting to get someone else to do what you want them to do, pause. This is a great time to check in with yourself! How can you remember (and embody) the spirit of MI, where you honor their autonomy, practice acceptance, positive regard, and compassion for them? What MI skills are appropriate for the interaction?
